Sunday School teacher to the Stars

Would it be a mortal sin if I -?



People say that just because I bite off snakes' heads on stage and my music drives teenagers to commit suicide I must be a Satan worshipper. Is there anything you can say on my behalf? Ozzy Osbourne

I want to dispute those quack researchers who now say milk is bad for you. I've drunk at least a half gallon of Mother Nature's best every day since I was a tot. And look how I turned out! Pat Boone

In your case, maybe an occasional glass of sherry wouldn't hurt.

Madonna just called. She was wondering if it would be all right if we .- ?

Pee Wee Herman


I wrote this letter to you in 7.3 seconds. By the time the day is over, I'll have composed at least six more letters, a novella and a screenplay. Gotta stop for now. My printer has a paper jam. Stephen King

My, my. Busy hands are happy hands, aren't they, little Stevie? I've nothing against prolific authors, dear. Yet your writing frenzy makes me wonder if you've gotten into your mommy's diet pills again. Just remember that "quality" is spelled with an L,

not an N, my boy.

Ever since THE EXORCIST, I can't find fulfilling work as an actress. Why won't casting directors recognize my talents? Linda Blair

We all get nostalgic for the glory of our youth. But there comes a time to put aside childish things. You can't be a vomit-spewing, head-spinning, foul-mouthed teenage masturbator forever.

I'm in Hell - literally. Edgar Allan Poe is my roommate. He's pissed off about those Roger Corman films I made that bastardized his stories. What should I say to appease him? Vincent Price

That you'll make cheap Hollywood schlock - nevermore.

I don't think it's mere coincidence that the tremendous popularity of my vampire novels preceded the emergence of the Goth movement. Literature can change culture. Anne Rice

So, all those kids who've transformed themselves into pasty-faced, self-mutilating creeps are your disciples? How inspiring! Pardon me while I notify the Nobel Prize committee.

New Line Cinema wants to pair my homicidal character, Freddy from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, on the screen with Jason, the psychopath from FRIDAY THE 13TH. Do you think it'll work? Robert Englund

Oh, sure. I'm sure you two can revive that ol' Tracy-Hepburn magic.