CELEBRITY MONSTERS SHARE HOLLYWOOD SECRETS



The scandals behind the bloodshed...



BOO! Welcome to the NuTH0uSe Halloween Party. Before we partake of the tricks and treats, let's chat with our distinguished guests. We've got three legends of horror here - Dracula, Frankenstein and Wolfman.

Gentlemen, thank you for joining us on this special evening. Take your seats. Help yourselves to some nachos.





FRANKENSTEIN: This place is a dump.

DRACULA: I should have gone to Elvira's. At least she's got an open bar.

WOLFMAN: You're out of napkins.

NuTH0uSe: Uh, we've noticed that most of you monsters prefer to be known by a single name. Is that supposed to make you scarier?

FRANKENSTEIN: Seems to work. Cher and Madonna both creep me out. Partly because they have no last names. It's kind of un-human.

DRACULA: Well, that and they both look like freaks, don't you think?

FRANKENSTEIN: Total freak-o-rama. Especially Cher. She's had more surgery than I have.

NuTH0uSe: Are you pleased with how you've been portrayed in the movies?

DRACULA: Lugosi got my accent all wrong. I couldn't understand a word he said.

FRANKENSTEIN: Hey, at least Hollywood depicted you as somewhat articulate. Karloff portrayed me as some kind of monosyllabic thug. "Ugh - fire!" [Lights cigarette. Inhales.] I wanted Olivier or Gable but they feared being typecast as a mad scientist's creation. Saw no future in it and continued with their little tea party pictures.

NuTH0uSe: Are the various traits attributed to you true? For example, Count, do you really turn into a bat at night?

DRACULA: Hell-lo? Time to cash in that reality check! Yeah, sure, I can freakin' turn into a bat and fly. [Flaps cape.] Look at me. I'm a friggin' bat!

NuTH0uSe: All right. You don't have to be sarcastic.

DRACULA: I stalk people, drink their blood and kill them. Isn't that enough?

NuTH0uSe: Wolfman, we haven't heard from you. What have you been up to lately?

FRANKENSTEIN: [Stifles a giggle.] Tell ' em, Wolfie.

WOLFMAN: [Snarls.] Hey, it may not be terrifying but at least it's a living.

FRANKENSTEIN: He's doing flea shampoo commercials.

WOLFMAN: It's a fine product. Look - long hair, fangs and claws aren't enough to scare anybody these days. Frankie, Drak, let's face it. We're from another generation. Today's audiences want cannibals and masked psychopaths. We're not going to get anybody's attention unless we crank up a chain saw.

DRACULA: Power tools? Puh-leeze.

FRANKENSTEIN: That's right, Drak. If Jack the Ripper were to make headlines today, he'd have to use an electric carving knife.

DRACULA: I'm not going on a killing spree wondering if I brought enough AA batteries.

NuTH0uSe: It's hard to be scary and an icon. Legends don't have the element of surprise.

WOLFMAN: Tell me about it. Godzilla's a damn pint-size action figure in fast food restaurants' kiddie meals. He'll end up in some roadside petting zoo if he's not careful.

NuTH0uSe: By now, each of you has written a tell-all autobiography. Whose book was the most revealing?

DRACULA: I thought the chapter in Frankie's book about the parties he attended at James Whale's house was revealing indeed.

FRANKENSTEIN: I was young. I was experimenting.

WOLFMAN: Are you @#%&!! gay, man?

FRANKENSTEIN: Yeah, like I never saw you slip into a sheep's pen after dark.

DRACULA: I'll come out and admit it. I'm bi.

WOLFMAN: Big surprise. You dress like Liberace and will nibble the neck of anyone who knows how to faint.

DRACULA: My victims must meet certain high standards.

WOLFMAN: What? They have to stand upright and have opposable thumbs?

DRACULA: [Picks up a chair.] You want a piece of me, hair boy?

NuTH0uSe: Gentlemen, this is not the Jerry Springer Show. If you can't behave, we'll have you bounced out.

FRANKENSTEIN: All right, all right! Let's all just chill. I get another restraining order filed against me, I've violated my probation.

DRACULA: How's it going with rehab, by the way?

FRANKENSTEIN: I - I don't wanna talk about it.

NuTH0uSe: Do a lot of has-been horror celebrities have addiction issues?

WOLFMAN: Let's put it this way. You can always tell when the Invisible Man is in the room because of the stench of gin. Nobody will make a picture about him anymore - and he's the easiest role in the world to cast!

NuTH0uSE: Maybe the public doesn't realize what pressure there is on creatures such as yourselves to be scary 24/7? Must be hard to relax. Why not just hang out here for awhile? Mingle. Try the spinach dip. If you guys think you have problems, talk to some of our regulars.

DRACULA: I wouldn't mind meeting that sweet young thing in the vampire costume. - Hey, fox. You into Goth? Wanna neck?

FRANKENSTEIN: [Shoves Dracula.] I saw her first.

WOLFMAN: [Grooms with comb.] A party doesn't howl until the Wolfman arrives.

NuTH0uSE: Uh, well, as our favorite creatures of the dark hit the dance floor to do the "Monster Mash," we remind our mortal guests that torches, wooden stakes and other lifesaving equipment are located at our emergency exits.

WOLFMAN: Ya-ooooww!!