|A Letter of Introduction from
Dr. Ludwig "Needles" von Quirk
NuTH0uSE Chief of Staph
As most of you Nutcases know, I now oversee this merry institution. I want to thank
those of you who so warmly welcomed me aboard during our past sessions. The peanut
butter in my toothpaste, the phone messages from "Amanda Huggenkiss" and other
tokens of your esteem were duly noted.
For those of you who have yet to make my acquaintance, perhaps an introduction - and
some clarifications - are in order.
The caretakers of NuTH0uSE thought it was about time to appoint a professional to
oversee your care. An executive search committee discovered me quietly closing down a
small malpractice in another state - burning files and mumbling something about a
pending hearing before a medical review board. The committee considered itself
fortunate to encounter a practitioner with my mail-order credentials who was anxious to
relocate as soon as possible. It doubted your meager facility could afford me but the
contract negotiations took mere seconds. The only perks I demanded were a pouch of
opium, an unregistered handgun and a small sheep dressed in women's clothing - all of
which were readily available in the NutH0uSE inmates' lost-and-found bin.
So, I'm here and I'm in charge.
First, let me assure you that I am committed, too. I'm committed to upholding the same
low standards that have kept this madhouse operating barely within budget for years.
That's not to say there won't be changes around here. Change scares people. Hell, I
scare people. Yet I'm sure that, over time, any trepidation you feel about me will be
overcome - most likely by a sense of uncontrollable angst. Think of me, not as your
chief administrator, but as a paternal figure in your home away from home. For I
certainly think of you as I do my own children - the worthless brats, always wanting
You may hear rumors about my past - none of which is true, except for any I have
instructed my moles among you to disseminate. For example, I have never "lost" a
patient. Any patient of mine reported missing was, I assure you, intentionally misplaced.
We'll have more opportunities to chat later. In the meantime, think happy thoughts - and
know that I am watching.
Dr. Ludwig "Needles" von Quirk, NuTH0uSE asylumkeeper
NuTH0uSE Web Clinic Bulletin Board
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