I correct misplaced apostrophes on
public signs. "God, look how they
spelled that! Where's my eyebrow
pencil?" The obsession could stem
from lingering regret about not
entering a convent back in the
days when nuns wore those groovy
outfits with giant rosaries for belts.
Mary Tompsett, Racine, Wisc.

Your obsession is not unique.
Nuns who used eyebrow pencils to
correct misspelled words cast a
confusing influence on many young
lives.
On Monday, a duck walks into a pet store and asks
the clerk: "Got any duck food?"
"No," replies the clerk. "We don't sell duck food."
On Tuesday, the duck walks into the same store. "Got
any duck food?"
"No," the clerk says. "We don't sell duck food!"
On Wednesday, the duck again goes to the same
store. "Got any duck food?"
"We don't sell duck food!" the clerk screams. "And if
you come back again, I'll nail your web feet to the
floor!"
On Thursday, the duck again enters the store. "Got
any nails?"
"No," replies the clerk.
"Got any duck food?"
Colleen King and Gary King, Peoria, IL


So what happens on Friday? The clerk finds a staple
gun?
L00Ney  BiN
correspondence from our inmates and outpatients
I have a problem I could use some advice on. It concerns
the AA meetings I'm forced to attend. AA is a group
therapy program combined with a build-your-own God kit
that contains 12 basic steps. I do not want a God made
in my own image because I'm an ugly old fart who looks
a lot like Don Knotts. I would certainly not wish that on
anyone. Right now, I am torn between making my own
God a green frog or a white rabbit. I simply cannot make
up my mind. I need some help.
John B. Denson, Green Cove Springs, FL


We consulted theologians from Rome to Tibet. You're
not gonna believe this, John, but you were created in the
Great One's image. God does resemble Don Knotts. On
the down side, He's not real flattered by your letter.
I assume no sharp objects will be enclosed in your
publication because they take them away from me.  
Marcella Durr, Panama City, FL


Attention all Nutcases: The "Running with Scissors"
marathon scheduled to celebrate Marcella's arrival at our
little resort has been indefinitely postponed.
When I got your magazine, I immediately tore it open
and found my name in the letters section. I whooped
with delight. My mother came running over to see what
all the commotion was. When she found out her baby
had his name printed in a nationally renown and
respected journal, she cried with joy. My dad pounded
me on the back and said, "Son, I knew you'd amount
to something someday." The small town of Ortonville
held parades in my honor. The mayor declared "Mark
Louis Baumgart Day." There were speeches,
banquets. Beautiful babes threw themselves at me.
Fourteen textbooks on how to write the perfect letter
are going to reprint my missive. I can truly say that
appearing in NuTH0uSE changed my life forever.    
Mark Louis Baumgart, Ortonville, Mich.


You've described the typical experience of a Looney
Bin correspondent, though that bit about your mother
sounds completely made up.
Yesterday, I woke from a fungal stupor and
extinguished a generic cigarette in a shimmering pool
of emesis. I then violently coughed up a substantial
amount of congealed blood, which I swear to God
looked like grape jelly.  Sean Aden Lovelace,
Knoxville, TN


Just not a morning person, eh, Sean?
As you can see, I live here in Las Vegas with two kids, three cats and a
snake. Well, maybe you can't actually see, but you can take my word for it.
Tracey Lynn, Las Vegas, NV

Actually, we can see, Tracey. We see everything. The snake is our operative.
Look into His eyes. Do as He commands. Dance for Him! And bring over
those tasty little kitties.
We should be grateful to tobacco smokers. Without them, many of our number would be deprived of the most
acceptable current excuse for being sanctimonious.
Roy Hammond, Centenary, SC

Which reminds us: The Coalition Against Second-Hand Smoke wanted us to extend an invitation to you, Roy, to its
annual campfire meeting.

The doctor says I look good in micro-minis and spike heels. I'm not sure about this new approach to analysis,
though. When did lying on the counselor's couch get replaced by sitting on his lap?   Pat Pratt, Columbus, GA

Shussh! Not too loud, Ms. Pratt. If it heard your comments, a medical licensing board may not grasp the complex
rationale behind our therapists' unconventional techniques. But we assure you that you are in trustworthy hands.
Now, please change into that Bo Peep costume, as your doctor ordered.
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